Quotes

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?

You’re just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!

DON’T PISS ME OFF!  I’M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.

You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT

Save Your Breath … You’ll need it to blow up your date!

My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom

GROW YOUR OWN DOPE, PLANT A MAN

All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.

I need someone really bad…Are you really bad?

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

Hang up and drive.

Don’t drink and drive…You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

Honk If You Want To See My Finger

Why do we say something is out of whack?  What is a whack?

Save the whales.  Collect the whole set.

I just got lost in thought.  It was unfamiliar territory.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

You have the right to remain silent.  Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

Nothing is foolproof to a talthing is foolproof to a talented fool.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Borrow money from a pessimist — they don’t expect it back.

Mind like a steel trap — rusty and illegal in 37 states.

Quantum mechanics: the dreams stuff is made of.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Support bacteria — they’re the only culture some people have.

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional of the ability to reach it.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your pri to rise above your principles.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

Get a new car for your spouse — it’ll be a great trade!

Plan to be spontaneous — tomorrow.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

How many of you believe in telekinesis?  Raise my hand …

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye opener.

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you.

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs?  Shouldn’t they be wearing night gowns?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, “A penny for your thoughts,” and you put in your two cents, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages?  It’s just stale bread to start with.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposite?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite thversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn’t 11 pronounced onety one?

“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called “Poles,” why aren’t people from Holland called “Holes?”

I started out with nothing…I still have most of it.

When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?

I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded.

All reports are in.  Life is now officially unfair.

If all is not lost, where is it?

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.

The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.

I tried to get a life once, but they were out of stock.

I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.

It was all so different before everything changed.

Some days you’re the dog, some days the hydrant.

Nostalgia isn’t what is used to be.

Old programmers never did programmers never die.  They just terminate and stay resident.

A day without sunshine is like a day in Benton.

I wish the buck stopped here.  I could use a few.

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

It’s not the pace of life that concerns me, it’s the sudden stop at the end.

It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip round the sun.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

Never knock on Death’s door; ring the bell and run (he hates that).

Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).

When you’re finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess.

If you’re living on the edge, make sure you’re wearing your seatbelt.

There are two kinds of pedestrians…the quick and the dead.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

It’s not hard to meet expenses…they’re everywhere.

Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a ped.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s license of a bald man?

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

If FedEx and UPS were to merge, would they call it FED UP?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

If they arrest the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, “Quit while you’re a ahead”?!

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

I must always remember that I’m unique, just like everyone else.

I think everyone has a photographic memory; it’s just that some of us don’t have film.

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

How much faith does it take to be an atheist?

If vegetable  atheist?

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

What do they call a coffee break at the Lipton Tea Company?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

When it rains, why don’t sheep shrink?

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I’d be gone. I said, “The whole time.”

So what’s the speed of dark?

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

Argue not with dragons, for thou art crunchy and go well with brie.

I think, therefore I am overqualified.

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

The best way to save face is to keep the lower part shut.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “Practice”?

War doesn’t determine who’s right, just who’s left.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. He who laughs, lasts.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill theesting people, kill them.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Drink ’til she’s cute, but stop before the wedding

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week

I nearly had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

I intend to live forever – so far, so good

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

If you ain’t makin’ waves, you ain’t kickin’ hard enough!

Mental backup in progress- Do Not Disturb!

Mind Like A Steel Trap – Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder …

24 hours in a day … 24 beers in a case… coincidence?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?

The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, “Tell me aboutnd asked, “Tell me about

some of the people who were here last year.”

What a nice night for an evening.

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend’s Dad. He said, “I want my daughter back by 8:15.” I said, “The middle of August? Cool!”

Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

I live on a one-way dead-end street.

It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.

I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, “No thanks–I’m not going that far.”

I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lives next door complained.

Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

And another thing – Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Disneyland: A people trap operated by a mouse.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

If you make it idiot proof, someone will make a better idiot.

f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.

Is it OK to yell “MOVIE!” in a crowded Firehouse?

Gravity. It’s not just a good idea, it’s the law!

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

Common Sense Isn’t.

Money: The Mint makes it first, and we try to make it last.

Sooner or later, EVERYONE stops smoking.

Most computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and the keyboard.

It may be that your sole purp be that your sole purpose is to serve as a warning to others.

A hen is an egg’s way of making another egg.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until

you hear them speak.

When you’re sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM’s?

If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why

don’t they wear a pair of bras?

What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

What’s another word for synonym?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?

Where do forest rangers go to “get absent from it all”?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren’t afraid to have a Chapter 11?

How can there be self-help groups?

Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it something by ship, its called cargo?

Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?

Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?

If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?

When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you’re just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

What happened to the first 6 “ups”?

If an orange is orange, why isn’t a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?

Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?

My school colors were “clear”.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

I’m taking Lamaze classes. I’m not having a baby, I’m just having trouble breathing.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

I used to work in an orange juice factory, until I got canned. Yeah, they put the squeeze on me, said I couldn’t concentrate. You know, same old boring rind over and over again.

I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me he ax.

I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it. It was a sew-sew job.

I used to work in a muffler factory, until I got exhausted.

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn’t cut it.

I wanted to be a chef, figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn’t have the thyme.

I used to be a deli worker, but I couldn’t cut the mustouldn’t cut the mustard

I used to be a musician, but I wasn’t noteworthy.

I used to be a doctor, but I didn’t have the patients.

I’m a corporate executive — I keep things from happening.

If Clinton is the answer, it was a stupid question.

Lobotomies for Democrats: It’s the law.

Bad Cop! No donut!

Where are we going and why am I in this hand basket?

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse?

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

He’s not dead — He’s electroencephalographically challenged.

She’s always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

If you ate pasta and anti pasta, would you stil anti pasta, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Is a castrated pig disgruntled?

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “asteroids”?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn’t everyone just move 10 miles away?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

And whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have a “S” in it?

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He’s gone now.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

Right now I’m having amnet now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Power outage at a department store yesterday, Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.

Women… can’t live with ’em…… can’t shoot ’em

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.

I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I’m the only one moving.

I wrote a song, but I can’t read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think ‘Hey, maybe I wrote that.’

I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.

I like to paint passing lines on curved roads.

I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back….boy, were they mad!

I just bought a microwave fireplace… You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes…

I filled out an application that said “In Case Of Emergency Notify:” I wrote “Doctor”… What’s my mother going to do?

I bought some powdered water….but I didn’t know what to add.

If you take a oriental and turn him around so he faces west, does he become disoriented?

The sky is falling … no, I’m tipping over backwards.

Ever notikwards.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don’t get it…

I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

If you tell a joke in the forest but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

Are female moths called myths?

Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?

Are there any unguided missiles?

Are you breaking the law if you drive past those road signs that say “Do Not Pass”?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?

Can you get cavities in your dentures if you use too much artificial sweetener?

Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?

Crime doesn’t pay… does that mean my job is a crime?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?

Do boxer shorts box?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

Do clowns wear really big socks?

Do flies get embarrassed when they get unzipped?

Do fish get thirsty?

Do hummingbirds hum because they don’t know the words?

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

Do Scottish Terriers get Scotch Tape worms?

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

Do steam rollers really roll steam?

Do television evangelists do more than lay people? –Stanley Ralph Moss

Do vampires get AIDS?

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Do witches run spell checkers?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Dore going to shoot a mime?

Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?

Does a man-eating shark eat women, too?

Does an analyst have to be anal? –Adam Rifkin

Does killing time damage eternity?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

Have you ever talked into an acoustic modem?

Have you ever wondered?

How can someone “draw a blank”?

How can you tell when it is time to tune your bagpipes?

How come chocolate milk doesn’t come from brown cows?

How come I can pick my ears but not my nose?

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

How dead is the Dead Sea?

How did a fool and his money get together?

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

How do they get the “Keep off the Grass” sign on the grass?

How do you know if honesty is the best policy unless you’ve tried some of the others?

How do you know when you’ve run out of invisible ink?

How do you throw absent a garbage can?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

How does a thermos know whether a drink should be hot or cold?

How does it work out that these people always die in alphabetical order?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

How many weeks are there in a light year?

How much can I get absent with and still go to heaven? h and still go to heaven?

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you was? –Satchel Paige

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a candle factory burns down, does everyone just stand around and sing “Happy Birthday?”

If a fly has no wings would you call him a walk?

If a food processor slices and dices food, what does a word processor do?

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his walkman?

If a mime commits suicide, does he use a silencer? –Steven Wright

If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth?

If a pig is sold to the pawn shop, is it a ham-hock?

If a pizza place sells pizza by the slice, is there a guy in the back tossing a triangle in the air? –Steven Wright

If a pronoun is a word used in place of a noun, is a proverb a word used in place of a verb?

If a tree falls in the forest, does the earth scream out in pain?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, does absolute powerlessness make you pure? –Harry Shearer

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

If athletes get athlete’s foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

If et mistletoe?

If Barbie’s so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

If bees live in an apiary, do apes live in a beeiary?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs?

If cats and dogs didn’t have fur would we still pet them?

If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?

If everything is part of a whole, what is the whole part of?

If flowers don’t talk back to you, are they mums?

If Fred Flintstone knew that the large order of ribs would tip his car over, why did he order them at the end of every show? –Steven Wright

If God can do anything, can he make a rock so big he can’t lift it?

If humans get a charley horse, what do horses get?

If humans have nightmares, what do horses have?

If I save time, when do I get it back?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girls Scout cookies made out of?

If rabbits’ feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

If superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants over his trousers?

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look like the way they do?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? –Art Hoppe

If time heals all wounds, how com all wounds, how come bellybuttons don’t fill in?

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?

If you can’t drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

If you didn’t get caught, did you really do it?

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If you’re in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

In court, why do they ask if you swear to tell the truth? If you’re planning on lying, do they really think you’ll tell them so?

Instead of wasting time hunting and cooking, why don’t hunters just use flame-throwers?

Is a sleeping bull a bull-dozer?

Is a small pig called a hamlet?

Is drilling for oil boring?

Is duck tape made out of ducks?

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

Is that a flying saucer or a pie in the sky?

Is the nose the scenter of the face?

Is this bullshit or fertilizer?

Sexual harassment at work–is it a problem for the self-employed? –Victoria Wood

Since there is a speed of light and a speed of sound, is there a speed of smell?

Was the pole vault accidentally discovered by a clumsy javelin thrower?

What are imitation rhinehat are imitation rhinestones?

What do batteries run on?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What do sheep count when they can’t get to sleep?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What do you say if you’re talking to God, and he sneezes?

What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?

What hair color do they put on the driver’s license of a bald man?

What happens if you’re scared half to death twice?

What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?

What happens when none of your bees wax?

What happens when you swallow your pride?

What if you’re in hell, and you’re mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?

What is shaved ice? Did it have hair on it before it was shaved?

What kind of fruit is in Juicy Fruit gum?

What’s the synonym for thesaurus?

What’s the sound a name makes when it’s dropped?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

When people lose weight, where does it go?

When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to?

When we say our mind wanders – where does it go?

Where are the germs that cause *good* breath?

Where did Webster look up the definitions when he wrote the dictionary?

Where does the fire go when the fire goes out?

Where does the white go when the snow melts?

Where does your lap go when you stand up?

Where is Old Zealand?

Which is the other side of the stree the other side of the street?

Who killed the Dead Sea?

Why are America’s parks administered by the Department of the Interior?

Why are raisins called raisins if they are only dried grapes? Why not just call them dried grapes?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?)

Why aren’t there ever any GUILTY bystanders?

Why can’t you make another word using all the letters in “anagram”?

Why can’t we tickle ourselves?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why did the pot call the kettle black?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do ballet dancers dance on their toes? Why doesn’t the company just hire taller dancers? –Fred Allen

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

Why do flamingos stand on only one leg?

Why do flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

Why do hot dogs come ten to a package and hot dog buns only eight?

Why do mattresses have springs, if they aren’t made for jumping on?

Why do people always remember where they were when someone famous was killed? Do they feel perhaps they’ll need an alibi?

Why do people go to the unemployment office to find a job?

Why do pigs have curly tails?

Why do the signs that say “Slow Children” have a picture of a running child?

Why do they call it “chili” if it’s hot?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

Why do they call it life insurance?

Why do they call it quicksand when it sucks you down slown it sucks you down slowly?

Why do they call Wednesday hump day, when most people get laid on the weekends?

Why do they give you a tape with a VCR to tell you how to use it?

Why do they make cars go so fast its illegal?

Why do they make scented toilet paper?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why do tourists go to the top of tall buildings and then put money in telescopes so they can see things on the ground in close-up?

Why do we call them restrooms when no one goes there to rest?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why do we kill people for killing people to show that killing is wrong?

Why do we need training bras? What can we teach them?

Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game,” when we are already there?

Why do wise guy and wise man mean entirely different things?

Why do you need an appointment to see a psychic?

Why does a grapefruit look nothing like a grape?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why get even, when you can get odd?

Why is a boxing ring square?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? –Amboy Dukes

Why is a women’s prison called a penal colony?

Why is clear considered a color?

Why is it called a “building” when it is already built?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why is it that bullets ricoc is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman’s chest, but he ducks when the gun is thrown at him?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is it that only adults have difficulty with childproof bottles?

Why is it that to stop Windows 95, you have to click on “Start”?

Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is it you must wait until night to call it a day?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand? –Steven Wright

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?

Why is your index finger the same size as your nostrils?

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather … not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

We are Microsoft. Resistance is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

I like you, but I wouldn’t want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Friends don’t let friends drive naked.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Horn broken. Watch for finger.

Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re s student, but you’re still an idiot.

All generalizations are false.

Cover me. I’m changing lanes.

I brake for no obvious reason.

Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control.

I’m not as think as you drunk I am.

Forget about World Peace…Visualize using your turn signal.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

I love cats…they taste just like chicken.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.

Born free…Taxed to death.

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.

Rehab is for quitters.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.

All men are idiots, and I married their King.

Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.

Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.

Montana-At least our cows are sane!

I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

If you don’t like the news, go out and make some.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt-in case d deed, get a receipt-in case heaven is like the IRS.

Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.

No radio – Already stolen.

Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.

Real women don’t have hot flashes, they have power surges .

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.

Tell me to ‘stuff it’ – I’m a taxidermist.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.

It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.

According to my calculations, the problem doesn’t exist.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?

How can I miss you if you won’t go away?

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Very funny Scotty, now beam dow funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

i souport publik edekashun.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Keep honking…I’m reloading.

Caution: I drive like you do.

Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

One nice thing about egotists: They don’t talk about other people.

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

I doubt, therefore I might be.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Women like silent men, they think they’re listening.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

Incontinence Hotline…Can you hold, please?

Lysdexia: a peech imspediment we live to learn with…

It said ‘Insert disk #3’, but only two will fit.

Which is the non-smoking lifebo is the non-smoking lifeboat?

|||||||//////__ __ __ __ __ The domino effect at work.

Originality is the art of concealing your sources.

Just fill out one simple form to win a Tax Audit!

Grow your own Dope – Plant a Politician.

Democracy: Four wolves and a lamb voting on lunch.

The buck doesn’t even slow down here!

Don’t assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer.

Oh, no! Not ANOTHER learning experience!

The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty.

Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!

Don’t Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.

Nothing’s impossible for those who don’t have to do it.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Don’t worry: the answer’s at the back of the book.

We do precision guesswork.

My life has a superb cast, but I can’t figure out the plot.

‘Oh what a tangled web we weave’ – Hair Club for Men.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

You know you’re old when you walk into an antique store and someone tries to buy you.

“They told me I was gullible…and I believed them!”

A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it has stopped snowing.

Psychiatrists d snowing.

Psychiatrists say that one out of five people are mentally ill. If four of your friends are OK, then you’re the one.

This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That’s the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.

Yesterday I knew nothing,—-Today I know that.

Smile…. It confuses people!

I used to be an agnostic, but now I’m not so sure.

I’m in love with a girl who doesn’t even know I’m alive. She’s thinks she got me with her long range rifle, but she missed. – Jonathan Colan –

I work very hard- Please don’t expect me to think as well.

If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?

Always take time to stop and smell the roses… and sooner or later, you’ll inhale a bee.

Windows: Just another pane.

Two’s company.-Three’s an orgy.

Wisdom is running after mankind … but mankind is quicker!

Knowledge was never known to enter the head via an open mouth.

I wouldn’t be paranoid if everyone didn’t pick on me.

He’s as sharp as a beach ball.

When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy – When planets do it we say they are orbiting.

Personally, I’ve always thought of a chaperone as a person too old to make the team, but still in there intercepting passes.

And a word to the ladies about their appearance. Seems to me, it’s far more important to have your “no’s” fixed before you worry about fixing your “nose”.

Harried wife,e”.

Harried wife, figuring at desk, to husband and children: “Well, I worked out a budget. But one of us will have to go.”

Husband, peering at a stack of bills: “Well, it’s finally happened. There’s a payment due on something every day.”

Wife to Husband: “All right ! I admit I like to go shopping and spend money…but name one other extravagance.”

Wife to husband, working on budget: “Perhaps we could borrow a little every month, and put that aside.”

Husband to wife discussing dental bills: “Maybe we get a some kind of book and straighten their teeth ourselves.”

If it ain’t broke, fix it till it is.

I don’t get even, I get odder.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I considered atheism but there weren’t enough holidays.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

I am having an out of money experience.

Not afraid of heights-afraid of widths.

If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

Birthdays are good for you the more you have the longer you live.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.

You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

Perhaps you know why women over fifty don’t have babies:  They woulbabies:  They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

One of the life’s mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.

It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

If you can remain calm, you just don’t have all the facts.

I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Time may be a great healer, but it’s also a lousy beautician.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Age doesn’t always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

You don’t stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.

I don’t mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.

I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

Amazing!  You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.

It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.

Age is important only if you’re cheese or wine.

The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she isder is when she is expecting a baby.

Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.

Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.

Can it be a mistake that “STRESSED” is “DESSERTS” spelled backward?

Diplomacy: Saying “Nice doggie” until you can find a rock

I bet you I could stop gambling.

I can’t be out of money!  I have checks left!

Crime doesn’t pay… does that mean my job is a crime?

Bad Command!  Bad, Bad Command!  Sit!  Staaaaay…

All right…. who siphoned the blood out of my cat?

I stepped on a Tetanus needle today….. now what?

DEMOCRACY:3 wolves and a sheep voting on what’s for lunch

Black Holes happened when God divided by Zero

AAAAA – American Association Against Acronym Abuse

Gotta run, the cat’s caught in the printer.

I’m not old, I’m chronologically gifted.

I’m just visiting. My REAL planet is sane.

I’m right 90% of the time–why quibble over the other 3%?

Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!

In God we trust; all others must pay cash.

ANSI is banned at San Quentin; too many escape sequences!

Famous last words – You and what army?

How do you chew the eraser off of your text editor??

Do Not Attempt to Traverse a Chasm in Two Leaps.

and this is your brain with a side order of bacon.

Famous last words: “Don’t worry, I can handle it”.

I tried switching to gum but I couldn’t keep it lit!

Brain over – Insert coin

A pedestrian – Insert coin

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder…

Why is “abbreviation” such a long word?

For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

I’d explain it to you but your brain would explode.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

Diplomacy – the art of letting someone have your way.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns do the rest have to drown too?

If things get any worse I’ll have to ask you to stop helping me.

Don’t look back they might be gaining on you.

Help Wanted: Telepath.  You know where to apply.

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

Do witches run spell checkers?

Department of Redundency Department.

Cannot find REALITY.SYS  Universe haulted.

Buy a Pentium II/300 so you can reboot faster.

2+2=5 for extremely large values of 2.

Computers make very fast very accurate mistakes.

Best file compression around: DEL *.*  100% Compression.

The definition of an upgrade: take old bugs out, put new bugs in.

 

Access denied–nah na na na nah nah

Southern DOS: Y’all Reckon?  (Yep/Nope)

24 hours inkon?  (Yep/Nope)

24 hours in a day.  24 beers in a case.  Conincidence?

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

Enter any 11 digit prime number to continue.

All wiyht.  Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

Hit any user to continue.

Programmers don’t die; they just GOSUB without RETURN.

Programmer: A red-eyed mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

Real programmers don’t document.  If it was hard to write it it should be hard to understand.

I’m better than a psychologist.  I’m a friend.

I shouldn’t contradict myself.  I think…

No man is an Island, entire of it self; every man is a piece of the Continent, a part of the main; if a clod be washed absent by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friends or of thine own were; any man’s death diminishes me, because I am involved in Mankind; And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee.

Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.

Brandon’s an idiot!  Chris is a horny slut!

I’ve never seen so many united as when they’re teasing one who’s not.

Mankind has many times proven to me that it is at it’s nicest when it wants the most.

It is better to be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

“People say true friends must always hold hands, but true friends don’t need to hold hands because they know the other hand will always be there.”

I’d like to help you out. to help you out.  Which way did you come in?

<– Your information went data way –>

The box said “Requires Windows 95 or better.”  So I installed LINUX.

Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive (the damn thing blew up).

Obviously, you are incapable of assimilating the extent of my genious.

And which parallel universe did you crawl out of?

Alcohol & calculus don’t mix.  Never drink & derive.

We don’t see things as they are, we see things as we are.

“All it takes for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.” – Edmund Burke

“The key to success is – find out where people are going, and get there first.” – Mark Twain

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,\nand the bus is Interrupted at a very last resort,\nand the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,\nThen the socket packet pocket has an error to report.\nIf your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,\nAnd the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,\nAnd your data is corrupted cause the index doesn’t hash,\nThen your situation’s hopeless and your systems gonna crash!\nIf the label on the cable on the table at your house\nsays the network is connected to the button on the mouse,\nbut your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,\nthat’s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,\nand your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,\ntill your icons in the windows are as wavy as a souse,\nthen you may as well rebo well reboot and go out with a bang,\n’cuz sure as I’m a poet the suckers gonna hang!\nWhen the copy of your floppy’s getting sloppy in the disk,\nAnd the macrocode instructions cause unnecessary risk,\nThen you’ll have to flash the memory and you’ll want to RAM your ROM,\nQuickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!=n

The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom. — H.L. Mencken

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Money can’t buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Everybody repeat after me…..”We are all individuals.”

Death to all fanatics!

Chastity is curable, if detected early.

Don’t be sexist; broads hate that!

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

It’s better to have loved and lost, than to have to live the rest of my life with that bitch.

Jazz is five guys playing a different song at the same time.

A compromise is an arrangement whereby people who can’t get what they want make sure nobody else does either.

Terminals in the night\nExchanging ascii\nOops, I dropped a byte\nPlease hit the break key\ndo bee do bee do\n

I don’t work here.  I’m a consultant.

I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.s I had about you.

I’m not being rude.  You’re just insignificant.

I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.

I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

ubject.

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