23 Mar Barbie and Ken’s Letters to Santa
BARBIE’S LETTER TO SANTA:
Pay attention you fats troll, I have been saving your ass yearly,
being the proper Christmas Current, sporting skimpy bathing
fits in December and dressing in pretend Chanel at sappy tea
events. I hate to interrupt it to ya,’ Santa, nevertheless it’s payback
time. There had higher be some modifications round right here, or I am gonna
name for a nationwide meltdown, and belief me, you do not wanna be
round to odor it.
These are my calls for for this Christmas:
1. Sweat pants and an outsized sweatshirt. I am sick of trying
like a hooker in scorching pink bikinis. Do you’ve any concept what it
feels wish to have nylon and velcro up your butt? I do not
suppose you do.
2. Actual underwear that may be pulled on and off. That cheap-o
molded underwear some genius at Mattel got here up with appears like
three. A REAL man… I do not care if you must go to Hasbro to get
him, convey me GI JOE. Hell, I might take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that
pathetic bump of a boytoy, Ken. And what was up with that
earring anyway? HELLO!?!
four. It is about time you made us all anatomically right. Give me
arms that really bend so I can push the aforementioned
Ken-wimp away as soon as he’s anatomically right.
5. Breast discount surgical procedure. ‘Nuff stated.
6. A jog-bra. To put on till I get the surgical procedure.
7. A brand new profession. Physician’s and Lawyer’s make actual cash.
eight. A brand new, extra 90s persona. Perhaps “PMS Barbie,” full with a
pint of cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips.
9. No extra McDonald’s endorsements. The grease is wrecking my
10. Mattel inventory choices. It has been 40 years -I feel I deserve
a chunk of the motion.
Contemplating my beneficial contribution to society and Mattel, I
suppose these calls for are cheap. In case you do not prefer it, you
can end up a brand new bitch for subsequent Christmas. It is that
KEN’S LETTER TO SANTA:
It has come to my consideration that considered one of my colleagues has
petitioned you for modifications in her contract, particularly asking
for anatomical and profession modifications. As well as, it’s my
understanding that disparaging remarks had been made about me, my
sexuality, and a few of my style selections.
I wish to take this chance to tell you of problem
regarding Ms. Barbie, in addition to a few of my very own wants and
wishes: First, I, together with a number of of my colleagues, really feel Ms.
Barbie DOES NOT deserve the preferential remedy she has
acquired through the years. That bitch has all the pieces. Neither I,
nor Joe, nor The Raggedys, Ann & Andy, have dream homes,
Corvettes, dune buggies, night robes, and a few of us don’t
even have the power to alter our coiffure. I’ve had a
restricted wardrobe, clearly designed to enhance however by no means
upstage Ms. Barbie. My resolution to decorate with an earring
was instantly squashed, which I protest, for it was my
resolution and displays my life-style alternative. I would love a change
in my profession to additional discover my artistic nature.
Some choices which might be thought of are: “Decorator Ken,”
“Magnificence Salon Ken,” or “Broadway Ken.” Different avenues which may
be thought of are: “Impersonator Ken” (with wigs and robes), or
“West Hollywood Ken.” These would extra precisely mirror my
pursuits and, I consider, open up markets which were below
As for Ms. Barbie needing bendable arms so she will be able to “push me
away,” I want bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the
curb. Bendable knees would even be useful in different conditions
of which you might be conscious.
In closing, additional concessions to the Blonde Bimbo from Hell,
whereas the wants of others inside my coalition are ignored, will
lead to authorized motion to be taken on my own and others. And
kindly inform Ms. Barbie she will be able to neglect about G.I. Joe…he is
mine, at the very least that is what he stated final night time.